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Webster defines trust as:
Assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something… b : one in which confidence is placed.
Trust. It’s an extremely valuable & yet non tangible feeling we have toward others. I don’t know where it lives within us, but once it’s broken or lost – it’s very difficult regaining it. And rightly so. It should be. To give trust away too easily is foolish at best.
With that being said, I destroyed the trust everyone had in me and at every level possible. So, I know what it’s like to lose it. AND – I know what’s it’s like to take the time to rebuild it as well. It takes a moment to destroy trust & a long long time to rebuild. It’s very fragile.
Here are some imperative steps that earn trust back into your life.
Be Honest. Humble Yourself. Restore Integrity. Be consistent. Be patient.
You have to be honest with yourself.
Not being honest with yourself & others is what has broken trust. Therefore, it has to start with honesty.
I had a friend that was addicted to drugs. He admitted, to me, that he couldn’t handle cash – at all. If he had cash – he used. The solution seemed easy – don’t have cash. But he wasn’t willing to make that change. He lied to himself & wouldn’t make the necessary changes in his life. The result? He lost everything…all because he wouldn’t be honest with himself & make needed changes. For those of us that have broken trust – we have to be honest enough to make any changes necessary. Any slip & trust is broken again. With most people in your life, trust doesn’t have many breaks to use, until it’s irreparable.
A friend said to me, if you’re not willing to be honest – there is no accountability. without accountability, there can be no trust. It all starts with self honesty.
You have to be honest with those that you’ve broken trust with.
Somewhere it was dishonesty that caused trust to be lost. Now, it’s the only way to gain it back. There can be no gray areas…no secrets…no private talks…emails…texts…none…nadda…zilch. Trust can only be restored with a sense of “he/she is being honest & changing accordingly”
You have to be willing to humble yourself.
To be honest with yourself & others is a step, it takes a certain humility to admit weaknesses in your life. It takes even greater humility to make changes accordingly. To admit you can’t handle something is one thing. To make changes to avoid it, is another. However, unless your honesty leads to humility, nothing more than self awareness of a predictable end has taken place.
It’s called integrity. Wholeness. It’s all about being the same person in private as you are in public. Same. Whole. One.
You have to learn to change the borders in your life.
Ultimately, we have to become students of ourself. We have to adjust our life into greater success in all areas. You have to know the things (people…places…things…other…) that weaken or tempt you. They have to be completely removed from your life. Then, there are other things (people…places…things…other…) that help make you stronger. You have to know them as well & they must become a regular part of your life.
By getting rid of certain things & adding certain other things – we begin to walk with greater integrity. Consistent integrity leads to increased trust.
Accountability, according to those you’ve broken trust with.
It’s not about what makes sense to you – it’s what makes sense to them. For example – my wife. Time not accounted for is an area that had to be dealt with. So, we found ways to make her feel most comfortable with those situations. For example, a phone call before & after a meeting…then closing the gap on how the meeting went & how long it was. It just makes things feel better for her. It’s not about the person that broke trust – it’s about the one that suffered from it.
What I see with most people that need to rebuild trust, is a lack of willingness to humble themselves to do whatever it takes to rebuild it. Also, people want trust restored quicker than it really takes…and that alone, causes a lot of people to bail in the journey.
Trust is invaluable. If you have broken it with someone – go to them & ask how you can rebuild it. It won’t be easy nor cheap…but it will be worth it.
peace
b
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Very well spoken words…..Thanks for being honest and telling it like it is.
Cristina
Thanks! Definitely just being honest with it all.
b
God has always given you the blessing to be able to break things down. Most people don’t understand how to heal broken trust because it hasn’t been broken down into a workable solution for them. The most powerful statement is: its making the person who’s trust that has been broken feel comfort when situations come up. I think that was the first feeling I had when I knew he wanted to gain my trust. I felt love in that moment. It was what I needed and what others need too. Blessings
Susan
Thanks for sharing. Hope all is well.
b
Trust is the ability to let others into your space with a confidence that their motives are pure. Lacking trust in yourself or others can be a hindrance that can damage your ability to grow spiritually, and can cause you live life in survival mode. Everyone deserves at least the chance to enter your circle not already judged and condemned for what others may have inflicted in the past. Without trust, relationships remain superficial and never break through the surface of acquaintance. Trust is a discipline and must be practiced to be proficient and freely given to demonstrate God’s love. Great post PB!
Hey bud…thanks for the thought put into the reply – & for keeping up with the blog.
b
I think the really important part about rebuilding or even building trust is the Consistent part… as you mention “Consistent integrity leads to increased trust.” I don’t trust because you tell me the truth once, I trust because I have found you to be consistently trustworthy. Don’t we all wish that it didn’t just take one mess up to lose it all and to have to start back at zero?
In my opinion we all need to be more honest with ourselves about who we are and like as you say “be a student of yourself.” If you know you can’t be trusted with a pan of brownies then don’t make brownies (change that to whatever you struggle with… don’t have alcohol in the house, don’t stop at your buddy’s house that you always end up doing ____ with, don’t talk to that guy/girl that makes your mind wander, don’t go to the mall with the credit card you swore you were going to pay off etc etc). If you can’t be honest with yourself then you can’t be honest with anyone important. Be consistent, if you have decided that you don’t drink anymore, then stop, don’t make “except” rules. I don’t drink except when…. I don’t smoke except when…. I don’t cheat except when… Those are lies to make you feel better. And never forget you are not alone with your struggles, He left behind the ultimate companion and comforter… and He is always there to offer that alternate route.
One more thing… Forgive those who break your trust. We all fall short, DAILY! Be forgiving; remember what it’s like to be on the other side.
Need to go now, I have a plate of brownies to throw out…
Sarah
Thanks for commenting…you could have sent the brownies over here…i just ran out of Reese’s.
Good stuff!!!
Thanks for being you and telling it like it really is.
Cindi – thanks for commenting. I’m simply trying to share what I feel I’ve learned…and hopefully if someone else is walking through tough times – they will find some hope.
Love this! Awesome way of breaking it down!
This is cool!
Bob,
So nice to learn that you and Shawn are doing well. I hope and pray for you both and your new Church. Constantly look for ways to anger the flesh…like cleaning up a little girls vomit on the Church floor. My flesh said no but my heart said yes…just do it! STAY HUMBLE MY BROTHER. Did you get your Buck yet?…Me either:)